What I want, just this moment, what I really long for, are your eyes, looking straight at me, wide open and welcoming. That’s all I want.
I was abused between the ages of 10 and 14 or so. The events were difficult enough. But the hardest part was that the morning after those sordid minutes no one spoke of them. No knowing looks, no apologies. Just toast or orange juice or cereal, then off to school.
What a mind-f**k! As I said in Enlightenment Ain’t What It’s Cracked Up to Be, this invisibility, this feeling of being unseen with my pain and confusion, of falling through the cracks, of being the only one who struggles with these terrors—this was the worst part. Not being seen.
Where my soul longs if you will, in a way that challenges my very existence, has to do with this sense of being the only one.
A friend called a few days ago. She was designing a web site for her astrology work, at which she’s amazing, but feels embarrassed about. As she is going public, she wanted me to hold her hand, she said. If of course went through my solving repertoire: send the notice out only to her friends, feel into the fear, put it on Google, and all my clever salves. Then I shut up.
What she really wanted was just to be looked at. She wanted someone to share the moment with her. She wanted a soul friend who understands the same damn embarrassment sometimes. And I do, and did.
Sometimes I think that this is really all we can give one another: Yes. I get it. Yes, I am here. Yes, I see you.
When I run a SoulJazz event I want folks to feel safe enough to share what makes them vulnerable. We always work up a set of “agreements” that will allow us to feel safe. I can’t tell you how often someone calls out as a key, “no fixing.” “no answers.”
What people want in this, and what my soul wants from you, is not answers. We don’t want clever solutions or “have you tried such and such?” That just feels like you’re standing over there, giving me answers, being smart or wise. No, all we really want from each other is just to be with us, right now, right here, in all our pained confusion.
I am feeling a little depressed right now. I’m not quite sure why. But what i know I want from you is to know that you too feel like this sometimes. What I need to share some deep issue, to share a soul struggle, is for you to look at me with your wide open soulful eyes.
Yes, I hear you. Yes you are not alone in this. Yes, I am here.